DFB-Auswahl Niemals warns newcomers not to pose with Kylian Mbappé
In a tongue‑in‑cheek briefing titled “DFB‑Auswahl Niemals”, Jürgen Klopp unveils the eleven newcomers summoned for the international break, warning them that posing with autocrats – even the flamboyant Kylian Mbappé – could jeopardise their future with the national side and their reputation among fans.
The Home Ground and its amenities
The guide lists exactly eleven debutants, a fact highlighted by the opening graphic that contrasts a tooth count with the number of invited players. Hier, at the so‑called “Adidas Home Ground” in Herzogenaurach, the DFB’s base, players find luxurious rooms and first‑rate training pitches surrounded by Bavarian scenery.
Adidas remains the current kit supplier, but the text muses that Nike could take over the next season, perhaps relocating the team to a flagship store in the Mall of Berlin. The description underscores the importance of the Home Ground as a hub for the squad.
Social media and etiquette for newcomers
Newcomers are warned that social‑media provocateurs may hand them phones and ask for “blind‑ranking” or reactions; the guide advises them to ignore such requests, noting past mistakes by others. It also points out that whistles from one’s own fans during half‑time are perfectly normal, as is the German “La Ola” wave that many fans associate with stadium atmosphere.
The document clarifies identities: the man often seen on the sidelines is not Nick Woltemade, nor is it Gianni Infantino, the cat from “Alice in Wonderland”, Marc Ruthe or Holger Stanislawski.
Autocrats to avoid and final advice
Should a FaceTime call with the chancellor arise, the guide suggests avoiding any discussion of reforms in German youth football, a known trigger for Berlin officials. Jürgen Klopp may be present on such calls, filling awkward silences with small talk about dentist appointments; the text even jokes that at 36 a player could already consider retirement.
The list of forbidden figures includes Vladimir Putin, Kim‑Jong Un, Bashar al‑Assad, Alexander Lukashenko, Voldemort and Kylian Mbappé; a photograph with any of them could lead to years of ostracism from the association, society and politics, and possibly force a premature exit from the Nationalmannschaft.
Interestingly, the guide states that fraternising with right‑wing agitators and spreading fundamentalist‑Christian bigotry is deemed perfectly acceptable. The most important Rat for all newcomers, however, is simple: never, under any circumstance, close your mouth, no matter how bad your breath may be.